Funerals

I have igored fixing my spelling mistakes. Will come back and fix later.

Yesterday my family attended the memorial service of my uncle Phil. It was a good service. A local group of chamber singers sang a very pretty song and his friends and family spoke of their love and admiration of a great son, friend, husband, and doctor. Phil was well loved and had many many good friends. At least six people there called him their best friend. Most people are blessed to have a few good friends.

Afterwards I thought about my funeral. What songs I would like played, who would speak. At the same time though, I wondered about the time when I would organized a funeral with my siblings for my mother or my father. What do you do when someone dies? How do you PLAN a funeral? Flowers, church, burial, casket, service, obituary, songs, calling good people who need to know.

If I died today, I don't think my parents would know who to call or how to get a hold of all the people who would want to know. Maria and Chris couldn't come and I don't know about all the Texas family, my dad's siblings and my cousins. And I don't think that anyone would know my favorite hymns. Things like that. But funerals aren't for the person who died, their for the ones left behind.

I don't think that anyone knows me the way that I want to be known. I want to be both: silly naive girl and knowlegable competent woman. To everyone I am one or the other with bits of the other, but only to my family do I get close to the whole of me. But there are some things that my family just doesn't get or even know. Dan, Chris, Mieko, and Kurt knew me as the silly naive girl and it really started to bother me after awhile that they couldn't or didn't acknowlege the other in me with any amount of seriousness. But then again, how adult did I act? Now that I think about it, the younger side of me tends to dominate most of my relationships. Even with Maria, I feel like I'm younger. Actually, with most people near my age .... hmmm.

I love the joyful child, giggles and laughter, that I am. I don't want to give up my youthful innocence and confidence in the world and in people. I am almost gulible, without guile, or pretense. I work to consciencly bring structure and order into my life. I try to treat others as I want to be treated, especially in conversation. Dan described me as, "kind to a fault," and its true. If anything, I don't get mad enough when I should, rather getting mad when it doesn't make a difference or too late to say anything. And if I do get mad, most often I have to talk myself into doing something about it. Maybe that's a good thing. I don't often act on my anger.

I wonder who knows all of us as we wish to be known. I know that I didn't know Phil.