Money making:
- house/dog sitting (great family, great pay)
- deli clerk job (I love the people there)
- weekly babysitting (the kids are adorable)
- possibly nannying (I'll hear this weekend)
- applied at a couple of different places (we'll see)
So they aren't that career-aimed or even on the path to success but I think I am gathering at least a few ways to support myself, or in other words, get the water bill paid. Looking at them in black and white, they look pretty puny. But, its what I want to be doing right now. I'll get to spend time with the ones I love, especially my frail grandma. I'm only 23 and I've had my life planned out in school for the past 20 years. I am sick and tired of being on the treadmill. I know that I'll get sick of not doing anything with a definate purpose and I'll want back on the rat race track, but for now, nothing doin'. I don't have any dependents, anything to really take care of but me. And right now, me commands more time to distill and settle. God, Me, God, me, me, me, me, God. This is time for me. But in time, this too shall pass, and I'll move onto a life with and for others.
Met with M, the potential spiritual director, yesterday. Went well, but I need time to ease into this. Went to confession and Mass today, I'm really happy I went although it is an inside happiness rather than an outside happiness. Not a real "feeling," rather a knowingness. One of the things about spirituality that God is still teaching me is that it doesn't matter how you feel. You do it anyway. You may not feel like praying, attending Mass, going to confession, but you go anyway. I wanted confession though. I feel so much better at Mass because now I can receive communion! Yipppeeeee. God loves me, loves me, loves me, as I am. The perfectionist I am. The procrastinator I am. The slob I can be believe it or not. The irritable, snappy, critical me I can be. He wants me to be better but loves me as I am.
And yesterday my mom and dad and I had a long talk. And one of the things that my dad said is really starting to sink into me. Just about every week I'm there, my dad comments on how happy he is to see the person, the woman, I am becoming. He loves me not just because I am his daughter, but because he genuinely likes me and admires me. He thinks that I'm a kind, considerate, helpful person always willing to lend a hand. Dan commented that I am kind to a fault, literally, sometimes I let it take over too much. Hearing these things over and over again lately has helped me to start believing it deep down in my heart. Rather than thinking about my faults and how what is being said isn't really true, I've started to believe. I am a good person even with all my faults. Thank you Daddy for making me this way. I love you.
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3 comments:
If you enjoyed going to confession, then you should worry.
No, I don't think so and it bothers me that you say this. I don't think that confession has to be horrible. Yes, it can be hard, difficult, excruciating, but it is also a relief, burdens-lifted, reinvigorating experience. The act of laying one's sins before God has enormous healing power, which is such a gift. I don't think that God demands we always suffer in this act.
I have a hard time forgiving myself sometimes, so I try to not carry any extra burden of guilt from supposedly "enjoying confession." I know that God was calling me to him. I try avoid feeling guilty about my feelings, unless they lead to sin. I firmly believe that feelings in themselves are not necessarily bad. In confession this weekend, the priest said this to me himself.
You'll notice that I didn't say that I enjoyed going to confession. More than anything I wrote about how much I was happy to have gone to confession. To be free of sin. I also wrote that I felt "happy" in an internal, not-on-the-surface way.
If relishing and reliving my acts of sinfulness as I related them in private to an older man brought me enjoyment, surely I would have reason to worry. However, it was a spiritual moment of healing with another human being representing God who helped me to see my actions, myself, and my life in a different light, guidance provided by God.
Exactly what I meant, grasshopper. Oh sorry, that may be a bit to outdated a reference for you to catch.
Confession is never easy, rarely fun, but so very necessary. It is only in absolution that we can be sure that we are forgiven.
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