Mere Reflections

I had another dream where a certain person asked me out, again. And yet again another end of the world senario where I was trying to get myself and my companions first to the Himalayans, then to the North Pole. We failed and the world ended. I beginning to be afraid to go to sleep; afraid of my heart's preoccupied wishes and it's bottomless fears.

Tonight after babysitting Laura and Paul and shopping at JoAnn Fabrics, I drove downtown, bought a burrito and a coke, and read while I ate at the county library. Alone for dinner again. I read until the library closed at 9 and then drove home. On the way, I reflected that what I miss most about being in a relationship is the anticipation and enjoyment of togetherness.

I want the expectation of a fun evening shared with a familiar mind. Right now I know that I have great nights ahead of me, but ... that knowingness is not the same as looking forward to sharing them with someone, a certain someone. (I'm not that good at keeping a line of friends available to call. I think I need to improve.)

One of the things I learned from my two years of long distance relationship is to treasure the time you have together. I value conversation time, evenings out, and just the sight of a loved one so much more than I did before. I wasn't able to talk or see Chris anytime I wanted, which made our nightly talk so much sweeter. I miss that sweetness, that joyous perfume. I guess its absence in my life now will make it even more aromatic when it arrives.

"How sweet it is to be loved by you ... You were better to me than I was to myself. For me, there's you and there ain't nobody else. I wanna stop, and thank you baby. I just wanna stop, and thank you baby. Oh, yes, how sweet it is to be loved by you." And I want the credit for writing this entry before this song played. It came on as I was reviewing what I had written!